Really bad morning

... and rough night!

Don't

... let jobs and bad jobs ruin relationships.
Choose carefully. Wooden and soulless companies who use cold methodology to try to reach employees to then reach people through a much more effective method of warm and caring interchanges, personal, and positive... these companies with their expectations need to match their drawing in to their putting out.
Something has to get better!

Believe

Being ready for the next venture does not inform me as to what that venture should be. This is a restless time for me. I need a project, I need a goal... Just don't know what that should be.

Working Together

"I know you like to lead with love... but...," he said. Well, he had my attention for sure but my guard was up with that suggestion. Sacrilege, I was thinking! Quietly, I listened to him, cautiously guarded, wondering if there is a better way to lead. I am more patient in these years but I follow the dictum... 'by the power of two or three witnesses' for my answer when I am seeking one. So, letting someone else lead is a trust walk. God is always the lead but how He will bring the answer is the interesting journey. So, the first speaker, who was an out of town guest, completely refuted the suggestion that praise is a better way to lead. Therefore, I settled down into my solid belief that love is the best way for me to lead. The second speaker emboldened my resolve to continue on the path of love with the words 'God is love.' Yes! That is correct I was thinking and now I am happily settled and continue on with my method. Love can be much more complicated to define in each instance of the day but isn't it so much fun to try?
I love you, therefore I...

Moving Forward

The last few months have been an imperial challenge... in many ways. Rising to the challenge of selling tombstones, this has come to a seasonal end. One more week and I will breathe a big sigh of relief.
A quote from one of my journals... 'Put your finest efforts in the place you want your harvest.'
It is a grand thing indeed that God is the judge of all our best deeds. 
A wonderfully exhilarating day or two was driving in this Imperial... a velvet- cushioned cruise of soft sway growling power. I would describe these cruises as power under control much more so than how much power can we control? The engine has a wonderful output of sound... reassuring. Another reassuring and yet, intrepid, trait of some of these Imperials is their crash-worthiness.
After a sad good- bye to my H3 Hummer this summer, via accident, crash- worthiness is even more paramount in my love of vehicles. 
Thanksgiving was a beautiful highlight this month fully enjoyable in the sharing of food and love.
I'm looking forward to winter bringing more of this warmth.

Stolen Again

So, here is my new bike. Someone stole it last night. If anyone sees the thief. Please return it.!
The reason I purchased this new one was because someone stole my other one this summer. This is getting more than frustrating!

Place of Risk

I feel like I'm living in a place of risk. Firstly, it is a huge risk to spend over 66,000 dollars on rent from your small retirement funds. It is frightening to see the years loom that I may have to work to replace that, so retirement seems like a dream... a dream I would love to have become a reality. I am already at early retirement age and may never be able to retire unless really miraculous things happen in my life.
Talk about living in a place of risk!

Flat Out Guts

Find Someone to Share The Wealth With...

So, a good day for me is when I can do all those 'wifely' kind of things like make soup, bake a pie, exercise an hour, and do a little cleaning...
What a blessing... just wish I had a good man to share the wealth!

What Makes You So Attractive?

These days it is difficult to find comfort but it is the most important work every believer can do right now. Prophecy has always been a favourite subject for me so I listen to many prophecy teachers these days... it comforts me.

I am anxiously awaiting the rapture... expectantly.

While I wait, I am living my faith and learning as much as I can to live it clearly and deliberately. So, yesterday, I learned a lot. Well, reading over my journal notes of the last few weeks is just so encouraging. It's like a treasure trove of wisdom... I put Scripture quotes in large letter form in a lovely hand written script...

"The hand of the diligent shall bear rule." Proverbs 12:24 KJV 

Just a few words but, wow, do they encourage me. The school of learning never stops for the diligent. Listening to teaching, then writing it down is my way of learning. Sometimes I write notes in the dark because I am relaxing and I don't want to turn on a light to write so the note looks interesting when I look at it even this morning... 'the weakest reed'  looks precisely like what the words say... even that provides a signature of humility and soft compassionate thought to the fragility of life. Sometimes I write a simple strong statement...

CHARACTER BEFORE IMPACT 

That was the only note I wrote one day in June. The day before this, I wrote the name of a man and what his name means. 

A few days later I have notes on the most fascinating story I watched which proves the scientific blood analysis of Jesus' blood... the man who discovered that has passed on but his story is powerful.

Words matter. 

Think about this title for a sermon I listened to this last week... 

"What makes you so attractive?"

Essay for Today

What is love?

I know what the baptism of fire is because I experienced it. That is not quite the same subject as love but, somehow, it is linked. Is it possible that the baptism of fire always has its seed in love? My personal baptism of fire came out of duty love. I would not let myself out of the requirements that God had placed down in His Word so I made myself do them even though I did not feel like I should have to, for any earthly reason for sure. Earthly reason meaning the selfish idea of ‘if I’m not getting love why should I give love? That way of thinking, yes, thinking. I knew that way of thinking was wrong even as a child! So, as an adult I required myself to do the work of love that I felt God wanted. This led to my baptism of fire which lasted a few weeks at that time.

Soldiers will speak of the baptism of fire and I have often wondered if it is the same for each individual who experiences it. There is no fear in a time like this when you have to do something because the spirit is so strong there is just no room for fear. Maybe it is courage that fills. All I know is, it is a spiritual fire. God ordained. You can do anything you have to at a time like that. It is an amazing power that contains everything you need. I have had two in a completely different, well, I thought they were very differently targeted places… one the church, and one the home and yet, are they really separate for some believers? I wonder if that experience comes often for some. I do not know but I, somehow, don’t think it can be continuous because the body could not handle it. You would waste away to nothing because you don’t even need food at a time like this. I have way more questions than answers about what God has given me over my lifetime so far. People don’t really talk about these things which has often worried me about the church in general. Is there an awakening needed?

Just like trust and loyalty are linked. You do not find one without the other, entwined they are, like vines. 

God is not a God of separateness but a God of completeness so it makes logical sense that many of the gifts of the spirit that we love, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, should coalesce within a person even though we often write them as separate entities like a list.

I try to make sense of God’s spiritual anointings to see if they have separate purposes. I ask myself these questions to see how to apply these experiences and appropriately place the knowledge of them into some form as to be useful to others as well as just an experience for me. When I have told my story of how loved I was, spiritually, during my divorce, the response I always get is, “You are lucky.” Sometimes it is followed with, “I got nothing.” This is all in the way of love. Some people suffer greatly but some people just suffer deeply. They are different for me. To suffer deeply is a mature suffering because you are, possibly, embracing the recovery through the acceptance of the trial. People who suffer greatly may be living a very different scenario which does not have the love assurances through the manifestation of spiritual feelings giving them a reason to believe the trial has reason. And if not a reason, at least some significance to God. Does God care that I suffer this loss? Does God care that I suffer loneliness?

Reason and a season… every person who suffers through something needs the assurance that it is only for a season… That love will grow again, mend the heart, become spring with freshness and newness and then togetherness.

I just do not have the answers to all the things I have experienced. Maybe I would not have survived my ordeal if God had not drenched me with so much love. ‘I survived’ is no small thing when people say this about having come through a difficult trial in life. To survive something is to get through it and still believe yourself to be mostly a whole person even if some numbness still remains some days. Knowing where you’re at and expressing it and finding someone to express it to is very important. Getting back in the saddle ready for more living and even then, daring to believe in love again is a very good sign.

To never give up on love seems to be the sign of the victor.

If there be any good thing in our daily living that can be sifted and God does sift us, each good act of any kind must have its seed in love. Love is the power. This is why so many people tell you to find something you love to do and then do it because the work will show forth the evidence of your love and how you feel about it. Maybe this is why my one son kept pursuing a career he wanted while working on one he didn’t really want. His heart wasn’t really in the one that was earning him money so he kept pursuing the other one. Heart matters.

 All of life is really just serving in one form or another. But when we serve something other than love or when we serve without love the result is not good. Because God never meant for weeds to grow, weeds grew from the ugliness of sin, not the lushness of love. For God to toss his first humans out of his beautiful garden and put angels with flaming swords at the entrance so they couldn’t get back in… He must have been some angry! I suppose if a person creates ‘a home’ that they believe to be the best they can give their family… the one who created this beauty and love is also angry at the one who destroys it. So, as a human we are exactly as God was then… mad at the people who mess up the good things.

Therefore, love is protection. People protect and defend what and whom they love.

Coming from a pacifist background, anyone I have ever come to know laugh themselves silly when I say I’m a pacifist. I am one but don’t confuse that with a willingness to pursue peace through love. That is a battle! Every day! A person can’t even walk down a street of a civilized country, such as the one I live in, without some feral dog behind a fence wanting to tear you to pieces. It’s intimidating!

Love is complicated if one does not have courage. Courage takes chances on ‘a moment.’ Emailing a stranger… the moment was there. Do it or don’t do it. It’s up to everyone… every day! What can I lose? I always think this way! I am never afraid to put myself out there for some good to come back to me. The first effort is natural… it can become that as we grow in human spirit. Where will it lead? God has a reap and sow principle that gives and gives and gives as we give and give and give. It’s beautiful! It’s work and effort but beautiful work and effort!

Love is big! Love is powerful! Motivates me like nothing else does. I don’t know how people live without it. This is impossible for me.

Before I had the overwhelming feelings of love…

my love was protective, motherhood love… that love was a lion at the door if anyone was hurting my children. That protective love is very powerful too. That is also a ‘lay down ones’ life for’ kind of love. This is the reason every parent wishes to die before their children.

Duty love is maybe what I gave in the marriage I had because I was not loved the way a wife should be loved so I was always ‘keeping things together, fixing things, working to keep a household going’ but these are duties. Requirements that a thinking person can perform because they need to be done. Borne of necessity and a deep desire to do no harm… this duty love cannot replace what God designed love to be between a man and a woman.

I heard it said this week again by a teacher… a man and a woman who marry must grow together… even at the same pace. The only way I can see that happening is if they spend a lot of time together, melding, synergy… maybe goals that need to be similar…

Heart goals need to be similar. A desire to… make the world better by… We will, together…  build this… this relationship will be a love bond… we will invest in this… protect it… enjoy the fruit of the trust, release ourselves from the wanting by fulfilling each other… when people find this, I think then the work can happen. People have too many needs, unfulfilled, and that creates too much of a daily hunger that isn’t getting fed and then it might all be duty… when we all long for beauty. And beauty, beauty is love!   

On the bank of the river

Restless... I am restless... and searching.
This last year I was sitting on this same bank of this river... today I felt less hopeless than the last time I sat here.
I was searching for a place to live but the place I went to see today was not right for me... pictures on the internet can be very deceiving!
I am not really sure why I felt less hopeless seeing as I was not successful in finding a new place to live but, there I was, enjoying the sunshine.
I was probably the only one without a fishing pole on that bank and I had to laugh when what surely seemed like a huge fish jumped out of the water right in front of me... twice!

Love on

Sometimes it takes some pretty tough words from others to get me out of my worry state for people who are avoiding thinking about and vis a vis not making a decision I think would be good for their eternal life.
Yesterday a man reminded me, "You can't save everyone."
He wanted me to cheer up, be happier, lighter in my emotions but the conversation I had just had must have left worry on my face.
I talked fairly long with this person and I cannot be easily... the word ensnared came to mind but that would suggest I had been bamboozled into this lengthy refutement of each of his ideas. Basically, he is a stranger to me but it was at least the second time I had spoken with him. Because of the times we live in and probably because of the kind of person I am... even a first conversation will have any heavy topic in it... life, death, eternity... and I have at times been very good at giving situational advice to someone if I think they would benefit from the environment I suggest they try. As the conversation ended, this man said, "I'll tell you what... when I die I will come and tell you what it is like." My response was, "No, don't do that. Your story will be too sad and I won't be able to handle the sorrow."
There are days I wish I was more like I was in my twenties when within each of these conversations I would search for the seed of spiritual life within the person I was speaking to and, if and when I found it, I could be content that the person had the necessary exposure to truth so that a decision for eternal life could be made... should the person wish to.
Nowadays, I am not finding that seed in all people I meet anymore... or is it just that the rebellion to the seed they were given calls out louder?
This could be it.
So, this morning my thoughts were refined and simplified in one thought that came to my mind. People who are not saved do not wish to be.
As hard as that is for someone like me to accept, it is true.
'Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved.' Romans 10:13
I believe that and every time I need help I call on the name of the Lord. If I didn't I would be calling my son all the time. I don't want to be a pain to him so you can ask him how many times I have called him to help me these last four years.
Not very many. That's for sure.
So, as I was helping another person out this week I asked... aren't you a Christian? The answer from this person was no so I said... 'Well, then you couldn't pray and ask God for help I guess.'
The facts are... anyone can call on the Lord for help but many are choosing not to. So, I helped out with this situation going way beyond what I normally do because this person was going to be in a big fluster until their momentary problem was resolved and the bigger issues of life were not going to be helpful to discuss further with this person. It doesn't mean that I wasn't frustrated with the one I was helping but I could only do what I could do in that situation.
When I relayed a bit of this story to a very young man later that day and told him that this person still had not accepted the Lord, his response was, "Too bad for them."
It came out of his mouth so swiftly, firmly, and matter- of- fact that he really surprised me with his instantaneous acceptance of the fact that people decide or don't decide to accept the Lord.
He really made me laugh because I cannot be like that but it sometimes takes a very young person to be that forthright... his 'hardliner' attitude freed me up immediately. He was just a youth so I am not going to follow his short road of experience but I will apply the basic idea his words indicated.
People choose... or choose not to.

Love

What is love?
Firstly, you cannot love someone you don't spend time with.
But wait, children are an exception, right?
After all, twenty or thirty years was spent investing my love into them so I love them no matter what.
So, what I have learned from loving others is this... so far, I seem to be able to love others more than they can love me... I think I get that from Jesus.
His capacity to love is so far above and greater than anything I am capable of that it is that 'over 50 years' of getting His love that gives me some to give to others even when they cannot return it.
You know, sometimes I feel so discouraged by my search for a true mate of love... human man now is what I speak of.
One thing I was encouraged with this morning... having spent many years writing my novel and feeling strongly that God wanted me to do that I was wondering why it doesn't bring forth fruit. Should I not expect it to?
As I was listening to a 'sermon' this morning I was so very excited when I felt affirmed by the one Scripture I deliberately wrote into my novel.

       Jeremiah 31:5

I was trying to write a current story to represent the Bible and all the allegory was, I thought, brilliant but I also hoped it would be simple enough for anyone to understand.

Many years ago I met a man I went to church with... during the week by happen-chance, in a public place. I would not say I even had a relationship with him even though we attended the same church but, there we both were, meeting in a public place where we recognized each other and both stopped to chat about the sermon the previous Sunday.

As I listened to him and when he had relayed a frustration he had about the teaching from the pulpit I responded with... 'I think what he meant by that was...'

Our conversation wrapped up with his incredible words of... "Well, why doesn't he say it like you just said it? Then I would understand it! It's so simple the way you just explained it."

That day I realized that I have an ability to take complex teaching and distill it to a more simplified form for better understanding.

It's a gift from God... this is what a few men have told me.

It comes from a love of learning and years of reading the Bible and applying it to the current events of the day. 

I have to confess that I was so frustrated with what seemed like an impossible task when I listened to a young couple ask me questions in church a few years ago. The questions so reveal their understanding or lack of teaching/ learning and I was so disheartened that I have just found that 'responsibility' to be overwhelming and daunting. I thought... how do I explain everything they want to know in this moment when all the back story work has not been done?

I feel I gave my own children the guidance they needed but I do not think their generation all received that. 

So, everyone is in their own unique place of lifes' journey and the words I am applying today are... 'Don't give up!'

Each conversation, each interchange can be important if we all just keep working in this 'kingdom work of love.'

Worse than awful

Have you ever had a day that was worse than awful? Today was 'worse than awful' a number of times for me.
I never quite know what to do on days like that. Nobody who is available to hug. Too much pain and alone-ness. I avoided a very big 'could have been terrible' accident tonight. The only thing you can ever control in life is yourself and what you are driving or doing. So, I practice defensive driving all the time.
People make mistakes sometimes when driving but if you drive an eighteen wheeler... it is important to 'not make mistakes.' Any of us who are 'in the way' do not have much of a chance against that weight, do we?
So, no thanks to the driver of that big rig tonight but I did very well in avoiding being crushed by his rig... on a bridge no less... worst place for that to happen.
So, tough day for me...
hopefully it gets much, much better!

What is pleasing?

So, I had a power start morning. How was yours?
I read the  most encouraging few words this morning. I will try to shorten the original writers' words to simplify his meaning, as I understand it and have experienced it. Personal experience, after all, is often accredited as the stamp of authenticity to the individual.
'You cannot escape ultimate and permanent happiness as you grow on and on. The more sensitive you grow the more clearly you will see the law that leads away from pain and ever toward happiness where all sense of time is lost when we are deeply interested or engaged in something.'
I experience much body pain but also much body healing. I do not know why it is so for me. I asked my son the other day if he did not experience and feel healing in his body but he said he did not feel it. Maybe it happens for others differently. It seems we all experience life in a unique way. Maybe healing happens for some while they are unaware of it and they just get up and go to a very physically demanding job and are able to do it. This would be impossible for me but it works for him.
Yesterday, my arthritis was so out of control I shut down everything but my attention to a specific task of finishing this quilt. Without any pain medication during a full and even considered overtime day for workers who have a job and get paid, I worked with determination and a set goal and have it almost complete. When the mind and the will focus together a task gets done and, when I am enjoying the project, the result is my yet greater enjoyment.
I never actually know how a quilt will turn out because I create as I go along. Until yesterday I did not know what the back of this cabin quilt would be but I try many combinations until I get something I like... this often involves limited supplies and the requirement to be even more creative all the time as I am required to combine materials for just the right mix of soft, hard, and clarity.
I could live in that mystical place in the woods that brings me much peace. This is why I often walk in the forest. But, I don't get much done in that mystical haze so the navy and white crosses fabric is representational of my logical side... sometimes uncompromising logical side but I can get a lot done when I hit that mood. Something clicks and I can make decisions one after another after another...
but it always starts with that 'Love' word... it just inspires me.

  People who build things must get tons of satisfaction from what they do... or, people who enjoy what they do just get tons of satisfaction.
I enjoy pleasing... I really do... even in the smallest little things. I got an adorable little compliment from a finicky little eater the other day.
"This is the best chocolate thing I've ever tasted," he said, as he munched on my cream cheese brownies.
I don't need or desire fame but to please a little person in such a small way. I enjoy that.

Well, major pressure put me to bed last night and major pressure got me out of bed this morning. I would love to live without that pressure but it seems God has not removed it yet!

So... how to be satisfied in a world of pressure is what I am thinking about. Try to name a person you have met this last year or in the last few years who is satisfied. Can you name any? I think this may be a key to relieving some stress. 

Do I have the life I want to live right now? 

No.

Most of each day is spent trying to relieve pressure. There is not a lot of productivity that happens when this is the main need that requires my attention every day. Pressure creates all the negative things... bad eyesight, headaches... these make doing regular work and tasks very difficult. Take away pressure and everything seems a breeze... easy! 

I have never told this story here but it came to my mind this morning...

I was out shopping one day, in one of those stores I go to when I want a real 'fill my senses with beauty' stores. I did not have any particular needs but I like this store and the items they tend to carry. I was somewhat bored that day.

I cannot remember how the conversation started but it did... I cannot even remember what the conversation was about but it was fairly long especially for taking place in the aisle of a store with a stranger.

Maybe I sensed a need in the other person... I tend to give my attention to someone if I sense a genuine need and if I feel I should give my attention to that person in that moment.

I must have sensed this so I did. When I converse, seriously attend to the interchange, I am deliberate in my words and hope they will be helpful.

At the end of this rather long interchange a big smile broke out on the face of this person who then looked me straight in the eye and said, "You know I feel so good right now I don't even need to do any shopping."

Then I watched this person leave the store... without buying anything.

Now, retailers may not like this story but I think there is a lesson in it.

Satisfaction does not come from buying trinkets... that seems to be a diversion... an activity to try to relieve boredom perhaps... 

most of us just need someone to listen, attend to the words, adhere to the principle of authenticity of true caring and when I or you succeed in this... 

for me, the root of God's love is the place from which I speak...

when I succeed... another feels satisfaction and continues on their day with a smile and a light step.

I felt honoured by the result of that interchange... to meet any need of another in a given moment becomes the sum total of our lives... 

especially when you know you've given words of encouragement specified to that situation from the foundation of Biblical principles you try to live by.

For me, this is a perfect depiction of traversing life and what it's like to succeed at anything... it's a careful stepping on a narrow path, the Biblical foundation laid a long time ago with roots going deep enough to show forth a beautiful canopy of protection that we all want then being kind enough to offer words that lighten anothers' load along the way.

This is a 'be satisfied' moment... let us all have many of those and may God bring the increase for each of us as we do this.

Desires of my Heart

To find love and get out of the system of the world that just creates daily and continual stress... these are the desires of my heart.

Rapture

Today I would like to talk about a subject I have not spoken of, in my writings, here, before. I wish I had not deleted the photo I took in the park on Friday night... it would have been really good for this topic but it was all smoky fog and just bright light so I deleted it... shouldn't have. So, as a Christian, I have always believed in the Rapture... that time in history when Jesus will come back for his believers and remove them from the earth in the blink of an eye.
Almost thirty years ago I must have been quite convincing to some people because a regular customer I used to serve came in to where I was working and said, "Hey, El..., if Jesus comes back could you just take your hand and grab me on your way up?"
"Ahh, it just does not work that way. You have to make that decision yourself," I replied to him.
Day after day he kept coming in with his wife and I would listen to their stories of really hard stuff they were dealing with... their kids and the relationships surrounding them. Some of it was really heartbreaking... as all broken relationships are.
A few years passed and although I was no longer working at that place, I would still hear about this man from time to time. I prayed for him for many years.
One day, the news about him was not so good... he got sick... and, eventually, died.
I used to be such a worrier and would panic a little when I was unsure if the person had made 'a decision for the Lord' as I say it.
So, I would read obituaries looking for a sign that maybe the person had turned to God in the end. And, lo and behold, he had. Wow! That always gave me the most amazing boost of belief... I guess is what I would call it... all the years of putting up with things you never think you are going to have to deal with or listen to... and find embarrassing... how you deal with it... that you deal with it... the attitude with which you interchange a difficult out of your comfort zone conversation day after day... somehow keeping a comradery you maybe did not ask for but met the challenge of just to make your day workable... not always pleasant but workable... that is worth the effort!
Every day I had to manage the embarrassing aspects of the interchanges while, somehow, I must have got what I thought most important into those strange communications because he did turn to God before he died.
So, I still believe the rapture may occur at any moment and it is important to always be ready to meet the Lord.

This is the photo I took, Friday night, before the one I deleted that I think would have been very good for this story. I like really clear, sharp photos but this one works well with the Thessalonians... '... the day of the Lord so comes as a thief in the night.' 

My Day

On my stress- relieving drive, the first thing I thought would make a great photo today was this snow covered old fence... so, I saw a deer trail and thought I could probably follow it to get this shot... hmm, not as easy as you may imagine but with the first knee deep snow sinking I was determined to, at least, get the photo... 

then, this one turned out even better with a change of angle... same fence but so much more interest...

Then this tree caught my eye... mostly because of the way the snow makes it look alive even though it may not be... we'll see in spring.

If you notice the deer right in the middle of the photo... these caught my eye and looked very scary at first because they were kind of three together in a strange shape at first and when I got a better look at them I realized it was just trompe l'oeil... a trick of the eye... just three grazing together.

Then I thought this might be boring but, instead, it looks really majestic, in a way, with the vastness of the sky making a huge stand of trees look minuscule. 

This shot I chose for the way the front trees look wispy backed by the thick green ones behind them. Sometimes I am looking for ways to make trees when I create a quilt... always hard but a challenge I pursue.

 This one I took for the layered look as I was thinking of putting two cabins on one quilt and was trying to find a shot for layered, ascending perspective...

This cabin quilt I started last night... I only made the door last night and the wood roof peak work and window today... I'm liking it!

Take the pressure off

So, I'm building cabins on quilts trying to fulfill my dreams of building them in real. I really enjoyed making this. Tons of work... but so is building in bricks, lumber, glass, and concrete... I just enjoy trying to make the vision that is kind of floating in my mind for these simple little cottages I would love to build.
This morning was a horrible pain morning and then it went from pain to pressure... neither of those is a happy feeling. I don't know why there is so much pain and pressure around... I know life is hard. It's hard for me too. Wow! The road to finding love is lonely, very lonely.
What is there to do in these times of... shall we say struggle? My devotions are always a compilation of Scripture along with the latest book of encouragement I am reading and sometimes the advice is just so on point. I love that. You can actually only love that if you are a really honest person with yourself... which I am. And with others... oh, yes.
If it be true that we are each 'the sum total of our experiences' then I can see why some people seem quite lost as one man said to me a couple of days ago. He said he didn't know what he was looking for and he is not a young man. How can one generation lead the younger one if they are themselves lost? Pretty scary, huh?
So, I am trying to keep creating as this brings me life and fulfillment of a small measure and it takes the pressure off of wondering if things are going to get wonderful one day.
I hope they do.
I would love to feel security and comfort and love. This is normal for most I would say.
I am trying to keep the pressure off of myself so my head doesn't feel like my eyeballs are popping out from the pain and it would be so lovely if other people also took some pressure off. Wouldn't you say?
We should make it a national holiday... take the pressure off day! 

Perfecting Love

In my studies I came across the Scripture that speaks of the Holy Spirit as 'seven spirits' even though the Holy Spirit is also spoken of as one spirit. So, my question, and if I had ever heard a sermon that described this I would not have wondered about it but, I did not have the answer to what the purpose of the 'seven spirits' is. Biblically, seven is considered the number of completion or perfection. This question has been on my mind for the last while and I think I came up with one answer this morning. Revelation 4:5 talks about the the seven spirits being 'seven torches of fire.' The last few months have been a very painful spiritual experience for me... I've been going it alone... well, with God, I suppose one must say. I have really wondered why it is so painful. I think this might be an answer... if God is trying to perfect anything or anyone... it is likely to be painful.
I used to be a perfectionist until I was so berated for this that I gave that up. It put way too  much pressure on people. The end result of a project was much better with this perfectionism but the process was very difficult and painful.
Now, I have never met a perfect human and I do not believe there is one or ever will be one. I also had a new opinion of perfectionism when a man I admired for his fine perfectionistic work, and was hired for that reason, one day said to me... "It's good enough."
This was a new standard for the man and I had a questioning look on my face that then elicited a story as to why work is acceptable when it is 'good enough'.
In this world and for the next is the tension that always seems to exist in each decision, work, plan, and in particular, motive.
As a Christian, everything we do is done in this world for the next world.
One thing makes sense to me now... we must let go of perfectionism while striving to be perfect and trying to live in a relaxed tension of getting things done.
With the quilt, pictured above, the one thing I was really happy with was the window... I wanted it to look like glass. That is hard to do with fabric but I got it just right and when the light hits it,... it really looks like glass. If you've ever worked with real glass... painful, sharp, and you're always getting little cuts that really hurt. So, the person working with real glass experiences the pain until the window is in and it looks so beautiful in its setting and reflects the light so dramatically.
When God is trying to perfect us, it is painful because He is perfect and we are flawed. There is going to be a bit of a clash and it will probably feel abrasive which it certainly has lately.
Perfecting love is a hard job and only God is perfect at it. Submitting to the process is not hard if one understands that is what the pain is all about.
So, if the seven spirits are torches of fire... refining is going to be painful, yes?
The goal and aim of Christianity is our process of perfecting love... the first two commandments, right?
My experience... it's hard but worthy.

Increase Love

"... hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown." Revelation 3:11

In my experience, every day gets harder to live out your Christian faith... the older you get. I always thought it would get easier but it does not. The good news is that some things get better. For me, the one thing that gets continually better is the application of one Scripture to another. If I think of a warning that scares me I find the answer to that warning on another day... all in the Scriptures. These lovely and surprising reassurances are built on a day to day reading of the Scriptures and just when I express a fear, to myself, a few hours later I get the reassurance that I needed even though I have already forgotten what that fear was.
I think that is the rhythm of the walk that gets easier with the continual practice of the studying.
I am very much a 'what is the answer to that' kind of person. I do not like problems without answers yet I have seen world problems, these last few years, that seem very difficult to ascribe answers to. This concerns me. I pray for leaders and I believe everyone should.
Lately I have felt mostly pain and I do not like this at all because we all live in this world where we want love to be increasing. Most people would still agree that an increase of love will bring a decrease in the negative powers... and there is quite a list of those.
There is good and bad in the spiritual realm and I pray, without ceasing, that the good prevails. It is for the good of all mankind that anyone does this type of work. There is no monetary reward for this... you and I are making our crown for eternity with this work... the betterment of a world for mankind.
The stresses of day to day living wears on people. Sometimes I hear it in shouting that comes from outside. That's loud shouting. The stresses of living... others are feeling them too. This last week I went for a drive and I saw only one person who was smiling and genuinely so it seemed to me with the passenger he had in his vehicle. It was so noticeable. It was beautiful to see because it did not look fake. I need a ton of encouragement each day to keep believing that I will get a job. Looks hopeless most days. I take responsibility for encouraging myself by reading books that encourage. Hard work encouraging oneself; but necessary. Sometimes I unplug my internet for most of the day. There is so little to encourage me there. One man I listened to last year said he doesn't even open his emails first thing in the morning because there is mostly only bad news in them... I paid close attention to that afterwards and barring a short exchange of love letters this last year... there really was not any good news in those emails. Just information. Information is not good news... it is something you are required to do something with. Work, it is just work.
Currently, I do not have a confidante but I read in a book, this week, that you are lucky if you have even a few of these throughout your whole lifetime. Someone who is always on your side and wants the best for you.
There was one honest conversation that I had a couple of weeks ago... a spontaneous interchange while I was shoveling, that got me thinking about intimacy as a woman who experiences much loneliness. I thought, surely most other people feel more connected than I do but... this person said, no, feeling connected in the church was not an overwhelming feeling for that family either. So, it is my belief that every person must increase love,... through prayer is the way I do this every day. I encourage you to do the same.

Finding your Purpose

How long does it take to make a crown?

The easy answer is...                                a lifetime.

Because we live in a world that has so much creative imagery in all digital forms I have this one picture in my mind this morning that reminds me a little of how I think the crowns for those who are earning them down here on earth for their rewards in heaven are being made.

Sometimes I think it is this intricate web of molten metal being poured into a crevice that branches like a tree with each prayer, or lovely deed, or kind word or helping hand that a person may offer to another.

This process of a crown being made is the walk of life for those who believe there is a crown to be attained in the hereafter.

As I was designing the Kingcup quilt in my mind, it was many years ago part of  the novel that I wrote and the one that is still being written. I always knew the whole story for the novels but the project is still being worked on. Kingcup is actually the main building in my novel, not a singular cottage, one of the twelve. In my published novel it is called The Winery Inn. 

The names of things and people often get changed... in the Bible, it was common to rename people.

Because my philosophy of life is to live integrated, I work on this project as a current real life example of my understanding of the Bible... as partial and yet complete as it can be day to day. Learning is, after all, a journey for each of us. 

So, the first thing I designed in my mind, after deciding on the name of this building, was this simple crown. Now, it's not easy designing a quilt that is a building especially when the materials that are available are all in a particular scale and, of course, I am trying to make the building, in the quilt, look 'to scale.' Quite a challenge, I assure you. I'm not working off of any pattern, I'm making it as I go along and it is already different than the first picture I have in my little stalled out on- line shoppe which I am unsure how to continue, not wanting to use the current platform. The reason I published a picture so early was to give you an idea of how long it takes to create and make something like this... it helps me to put a value on my time that I have not previously done with the price of the finished items that I have made. Those items are a real bargain and I do not earn a wage from making them.

So, in making this crown, I had to come up with a pattern that was simple enough to attempt and then see if I thought it was good enough to put on the quilt. With a simple sewing machine it is hard to make intricate things that may require cutwork... that would be a very time consuming project of embroidery that was just not right for a shiny gold noticeable crown for a symbol. It's a very satisfying project to work on for me because you sort of have to be the architect, the builder, the designer, the advertising logo person, the 'kind of everything' person. It's hard but a good challenge. Now, the cool thing about writing a novel under the inspiration of God is that you get to experience it in a way that is hard to explain or even comprehend at the time but you remember it. It is odd but very powerful, in experience, so the ideas are always flowing if you keep going.

Flowing if you keep going

There's your quote for the day... just comes out of the story sometimes. I wish I had an exact number of hours that it took to make just this one simple crown for the quilt but I didn't keep track of the time precisely.