Temporary

 How I wish there was something permanent to count on. I am making a temporary move... very difficult to make decisions when nothing has yet been decided. I suppose everyone lives one day at a time. Upheaval is the process of unexpected death.

When I was younger I found change to be easier and welcomed it and sought it out, at times. Created it as well. Now, I have found too much change to be, too much for me. Now I wish for a home, my home,... not a patch in. Hard to say if I will ever feel I have a home again. I hope to make my temporary stay as short as possible... and have been praying for a last minute rescue... a job that would be the opportunity to change the course. On a search I am.

Is it just me or has the letter 'x' become the most annoying letter of the alphabet? I think computers have created part of that annoyance. I mean, the letter 'x' used to mean close. Close that, close this, in computer language. I find that letter harsh... it seems unyielding and rigid and maybe a bully. It always seems to mean something negative. It stands for 'you got it wrong!' That pet peeve has been bothering me for a while and I chose today to write it into my daily digs. 

To the trauma of moving again... how do people do it when they get older... as I am!? What to keep? What to throw? I am looking for permanence. That's for sure.

What is important?

 Currently, I find myself in a very unpleasant situation. Now, the dust has not yet settled upon this unpleasantness so the outcome is yet to be determined. I have invested, financially, into the property I currently live in and I am, patiently, waiting for the return of my investment to be able to move on in life. Having refused the first offer of insufficient money, I await the sufficient offer.

What makes a situation difficult? Lack of trust. For sure. How can you trust people you've never met? How is trustworthiness proven? Just yesterday, I read... 'the lowest level of communication coming out of low- trust situations would be characterized by defensiveness, protectiveness and often legalistic language, Such communication isn't effective if it tries to spell out escape clauses in the event things go sour.' 

Such communications create further reasons to defend and protect. 

My writings are always centered around a moral thought patterning... delivery to outcome... the middle, the big messy part, I do not often write about because, as yet unresolved, strong, didactic statements are difficult to make in the middle of a mess. Pretty pictures and pithy sayings do not convey adequate seriousness for a situation where I have been told... "They are trying to gain unjust enrichment from you."

How do I respond to that? Well, I refused the first offer. I feel it is very unjust. Why should I accept what is unjust? How do I make clear what any adult knows to be true? Are people being obtuse on purpose? Unkind on purpose? Taking advantage of me on purpose? Deliberately? This offends me. Greatly offends me. The Biblical reference of a person who is offended being more unyielding than a strong city comes to mind. I become unyielding when offended. Now, not only do you have to make it right; you have to gain my trust for me to believe you. That's a much longer road than being just in the first place, isn't it?

I have never enjoyed confrontation. I find violence scary. When the man, who called me his betrothed, was still alive, he said, "If we are ever in a situation where we are attacked, I am fighting to the end and you make sure you get away while I am fighting." He was that protective of me. Now he has died. Who will protect me now?